Ask Abbie.  I am too tired for sex, Can you help?

Ask Abbie. I am too tired for sex, Can you help?


Q: Abbie, last night I was settled in bed falling asleep, when hubby came in with that look I know so well - He wanted to have some fun with me!

The trouble is I had just done a full day at work, cooked dinner, walked the dog, bath night for the kids, housework and a million other things a mother does at night time. 

I had no interest in being honest. 

What I wanted to do was go to sleep. 

It is nothing personal to my husband, but he does not see it that way and is now upset.  

Do you have any suggestions?

I get where you are coming from

I am also a wife and mother feeling the same as you some nights.

For the sake of our marriages, let us explore the issue together.

Let's set the scene the time is 11 pm, 

I have also had a long day, and tomorrow promises to be much of the same.

I stagger up the stairs, brush my teeth and get into my oversized but comfortable nightie. 

My brain is running at a million miles per hour thinking of my to-do list tomorrow, not looking forward to the 7 am alarm call.

Familiar, right?

As you told me now is the time, your husband (and mine) wants to have sex. 

Why is that? 

Isn't that's what all couples do? Leave having sex to the last thing at night. 

The only thing keeping you awake is tomorrow's worries, both of you are tired out and thinking about sex! Take a moment to think about that. Crazy right?

Let's start afresh in the morning!

  •  Why not try having sex first thing in the morning? When you have refreshed from a good night's sleep
  • Or if you are like my husband, who takes three cups of coffee in the morning to get going, Can you meet on your lunch break for a quickie?
  • Pack the kids off to an after school club and use the time for sex then.

Would you not be better off having sex during the day when you are both more likely to be ready for it? Then the last thing at night when you are exhausted.

If this is not possible, then try this little trick?

Mental foreplay

This subject deserves a whole post to itself but in brief.

Again as you have told me, bedtimes in your house consist of your husband hoping and praying you want sex. You complain you are too tired, then reject him repeating night after night.

Almost by definition that bedtime means sex. Yet you will only have sex if you are in the mood. 

But what has he done to get you in the mood?  

Nothing! It all starts to get boring for you and frustrating for him. Perhaps no wonder you have little interest.

Why not seduce each other during the day?

I am talking foreplay that starts from the minute you lock the front door and heads off for the day.

Build up the anticipation, keep each other aroused, set the scene for an evening of passion several hours from now.

Send each other sexy, flirty texts, emails, voice mails. 

Spice things up in your conversations

  • Dirty talk, use erotica
  • Tell your other half what you want to do in graphic details.
  • Talk about giving a massage,
  • What sexy new lingerie you brought from Quinn Beauty you are going to wear, 
  • The use of sex toys 
  • Have sex in different locations
  • A new sexual position you want to try. 

So let your imaginations run wild, envisioning what it will feel like when you do all those things to each other.

Bedtime suddenly looks a lot more appealing!

Let us get to bedtime, shall we?

Tonight then, rather than running on fumes, the choice of sex or sleep, you have spent the day flirting with each other, now let's get to the bedroom at a reasonable time!

You have already given me an insight into how your evening goes, which is very similar to mine!

Cooking, eating, washing up dinner, sorting the kids out, dealing with customer emails and queries

What you did not tell me is how much time you spend crashing in front of the TV, Or your head on your phone on social media, playing games or youtube videos?

Before you know, it is stupid o'clock and whacked-out ready for bed!

Let's try this little experiment tonight - Stay off all electronics.

Get your partner to help with the household chores, buying you some more time. 

Go for a brisk walk together.  

As well as the documented health benefits, exercise produces endorphins that lift your mood. 

Exercise also improves your circulation, and your sexual desire will increase as a result.

Get the kids to bed, and start the warm-up in a hot bath.

Man and woman having a bath together

Prepare a romantic bubble bath surrounded by a few candles and invite your partner in to join you. 

You can get these from our online Avon Store.

Put some soap on a soft sponge and soap on each other's body, trust me you will want to give this ago!

Have any massage oil handy? 

A massage helps your body and mind get in tune with each other.

Think back to the start of your relationship, where sex is hot, rampant and all new and exciting. 

As time passes and the novelty wears off, and sex consists of a quickie before he turns over and starts snoring, is it any wonder you are not in the mood for sex!

I suspect the effort that once was is no longer applied to get you in the mood.

Follow my tips and let me know how you get on.

Abbie x

Abbie is the agony aunt for those trying to navigate the world of lingerie. As an online lingerie owner, I help my customers with everything – from finding the sexy nightwear that will excite your partner to tips and tricks on making lingerie more comfortable. 

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